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The great revelation of this election year is that God and his son are partisan political junkies. The second great revelation is the certainty of some people about the political leanings of Jesus.

In Carrboro, N.C., two University of North Carolina students slapped each other after watching the Bush-Kerry presidential debate. Their argument was about whom Jesus would vote for.

It would seem that if you’re passionate to fight over Jesus, you need to do something more forceful than slapping. More importantly, it’s obvious that while the two students were confident how Jesus would mark his ballot, it’s clear that neither paid heed to one of his more famous and important teachings of turning the other cheek.

If Jesus is voting next month, the uncivil behavior of the Bush supporter and the Kerry backer may have made him decide to vote for Ralph Nader.

Also confident of Christ’s voting patterns is Alan Keyes, the Maryland politician and talk show host who Illinois Republicans have shipped in to run a hopeless campaign for the U.S. Senate against Democrat Barack Obama.

Keyes, a graduate of Cole High School in San Antonio, has said that based on his opponent’s pro-choice record, Jesus wouldn’t vote for Obama. Maybe he’s right, but one wonders why Keyes would waste his time running for a lowly and temporal U.S. Senate seat when he’s already got a more eternally sublime position as Jesus’ spokesman.

One difference between Jesus and this election and some deceased voters in South Texas and Illinois from past elections is that those deceased voters weren’t resurrected but still managed to vote from their graves.

Even holding the presidential election this year is a waste of time if we listen to evangelist Pat Robertson’s heavenly source.

Early this year on his show “The 700 Club,” Robertson said: “I really believe I’m hearing from the Lord it’s going to be like a blowout election in 2004.”

I admit that I’m envious of Robertson for being so righteous in his living and so right with God that they have time to sit back and chill and talk about politics.

I’m such a flawed and ethical mess that when I hear from the Lord, He’s telling me what not to do and what I should be doing and I’m resisting all the way.

I need so much help getting my life and spirit together that God doesn’t waste his time discussing with me the outcome of political elections or, what I’d most like to know, this fall’s World Series.

I’ve never been given a copy of the Jesus Voting Guide with the list of candidates Christ has personally endorsed.

While I’m impressed with the certainty of people who speak for Jesus and who possess no doubt as to how he would act, or vote, in specific situations, I often wonder how certain Jesus is that he’s being properly represented by these folk.

I’m guessing that, come Judgment Day, the questions Jesus will ask people will be, “Did you love your neighbor as you love yourself?” or “Did you do unto others as you would have them do unto you?”

I don’t think it’s going to be, “Who did you vote for in the 2004 presidential election?”

Maybe the likes of Robertson, Keyes, and the slapping duo of North Carolina know something about these elections that the rest of us don’t.

But in all likelihood, only God knows.

Cary Clack is a columnist for the San Antonio Express-News. This column, which appeared in the paper Oct. 6, is used with his permission.

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