Proposed “bring your guns to church” legislation, now on the floor in a couple of states, suggests bringing firearms into houses of faith is sure to become a national craze.
So any day I expect to read about some new franchise opportunity that’s uniquely poised to be ahead of the marketing curve in one of the most recent trends in church life.
Maybe it’ll be called Shoot Straight for Jesus Ministries Ltd. For a modest initial contribution, the enterprising franchisee would have access and exclusive sales rights to a variety of products sure to be embraced by high caliber churches.
Potential franchisees wanting to partner with others and be “duelly aligned” would also be encouraged to apply.
Examples of their product lines would include:
1. “Thy Word Have I Hid Over My Heart” steel-plated, vest-pocket New Testament. Designed to protect this vital organ from damage by enemy fire or accidental friendly fire. Vest itself sold separately.
2. “Put My Law Within Them” Bible bullets. Each bullet engraved with Leviticus 20:13, fulfilling what was spoken by the prophet (Jeremiah 31:33). Guaranteed to make recipient “know the Lord” up close and personal.
3. Pew Rack Adapter Kit. Fits existing hymnal and visitor card holder. Keep your “protection” within reach at all times during the service.
4. WHWJP (What Heat Would Jesus Pack?) bracelets. Includes space for church logo or celebrity endorsements (ask about details).
5. “Sitting Duck” Kevlar pulpit and choir robes. For those most exposed in the sanctuary arena.
6. OK Corral Bible Drill Kit. Replaces previous “sword drill” materials. Includes projectable Bible texts and 12 laser pistols with holsters. Uses screens already in sanctuary!
7. Double holster specially designed for handgun on one side and handbook-size Bible on the other. Right-hand and left-hand versions available.
8. “Putting on the Whole Armor of God.” An interactive paintball experience for older children and youth to develop skills needed later in life. Reduces risk and danger of using actual firearms.
9. “Trigger Treats.” For churches who have chosen not to participate in pagan Halloween festivals. These delectable goodies can be used as prizes at your Shoot Straight for Jesus event in the fall.
10. “Leaning on the Everlasting Arms.” This six-shooter study is designed to encourage commitment to the second amendment to the U.S. Constitution and complete trust in its ability to protect us from the multitudes who would harm us if we didn’t have it.
Maybe someone should go ahead and register the URL: WereForJesusAndAgainstEverybodyElseWhoIsntLikeUs.com
Colin Harris is professor of religious studies at Mercer University and a member of Smoke Rise Baptist Church in Stone Mountain, Ga.