The pope has given a list of “Ten Commandments” for driving, warning against sins of road rage, drinking and driving and even being rude. Taking them in the spirit in which they were given, this Baptist preacher can’t help but wonder what the list would be if the Vatican was in the city where I live, Houston, Texas.
Here are my suggestions:
1. If thou choosest to drive the speed limit, thou must stay in the right lane and stay out of our way. Thou shalt not stop at a yellow light. If thou chooseth to stop at a yellow light thou shalt be plowed from behind.
3. Thou shalt not drive on the beltway unless thou haseth thy quarters in thy hand. As a matter of fact, if thou haseth not an EZ Tag, thou shouldest stay on the feeder.
4. Thou shalt not honketh at me. This is Texas and we doth not liketh that at all.
5. Thou shalt not express thy opinion of other drivers, especially if thou art trying to say that the other driver is “number one.” He knoweth that already. If thou dost not understand Commandment 5 thou shouldest keep thy hands out of sight at all times.
6. Thou must remember that driving on Houston highways is not NASCAR. NASCAR drivers are actually safe, and our roads haveth no safety barriers to limit the impact of thy car hitting the wall. Thou shalt not drive the roads of Houston with inadequate tires. If thou choosest to drive with bald tires and if thy choosest to think that thou are Dale Earnhardt Jr., then thou shalt carry a crew of men in thy vehicle that shalt be able to change thy tires in 18 seconds flat.
7. Thou must remember that cement trucks doth always have the right of way.
8. If thou desireth to drive with limited traffic thou must drive between the hours of 3 a.m. and 3:30 a.m.
9. Thy car is not a restroom; doeth thy makeup before thou dost depart from thy driveway. Neither is thy car is a library; readeth not thy newspaper while driving. Thy bumper is not a billboard; we are not amused by thy lack of intelligence.
10. Thou shalt remember that the meek may inherit the earth, but they shalt not survive the streets of Houston. Thou shalt keep up or taketh a bus.
Houstonians see our traffic as a daily challenge, thus building up our integrity and courage.
And, for a bonus, No. 11: If thou choosest to carry garbage in thy truck, thou shalt cover it at all times. Thy garbage is between thee and God; we haveth no desire to seeth it on our windshield.