One of the most important truths I have learned from the last 25 years of working with people is this: We cannot change other people unless they want to change.
It’s important that we remember this truth because helping people with complex problems is in itself complex.
Accepting this reality helps us avoid the twin problems of naivety and cynicism, neither of which help people much at all.
Chapter 6 of Paul’s letter to the Galatians contains ancient wisdom on the balance of grace and truth that truly helps others.
- Carrying other people’s burdens.
Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.”
The Bible is clear: Helping others is right at the heart of the Christian message. As Jesus teaches, loving our neighbors (and especially those hardest to love) is right alongside loving God.
Jesus embodies this teaching in countless examples of how he cares for those on the margins of society.
Supporting and loving others is so central that Paul describes carrying each other’s burdens as “fulfilling the law of Christ.”
It is this “law” that has inspired the church for centuries to show grace to those affected by issues of poverty and homelessness.
This is what underpins the contemporary church’s commitment to practical action, such as food banks, debt advice and homeless shelters.
- But each should carry their own load.
Galatians 6:4-5 instructs, “Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, for each one should carry their own load.”
As so often in the Bible, there is a tension illustrated in this passage between grace and truth.
Grace is shown in the injunction to help carry each other’s burdens. But the truth is that each should carry their own load. What does this tension look like in practice?
I think it means that we should provide help to people when they need it – food, shelter and debt advice. But the aim of all these forms of help is to empower people affected to look after themselves.
Rather than foster dependency on what we offer, our aim is that they carry their own loads.
Often, the biggest challenge in helping people is how to do it without reducing the agency they have. Increasing dependency often entrenches problems further.
This is complex and requires careful thought and wisdom. It will look different with people affected by different issues.
But the principle should remain the same: How does our help empower people to carry their own loads?
- Not becoming weary in doing good, as Galatians 6:9 states.
Over the years, I have met many people who have burned out from their efforts to help people.
Combinations of middle-class guilt, radical aspirations and naivety combine to draw kind people into highly difficult and messy situations.
Not only do people “become weary in doing good,” they can often become cynical about helping anyone.
Recently, I have had to give urgent advice to a Christian who had invited a homeless man, with a serious alcohol problem, to stay in his flat.
The situation was threatening his own tenancy because of the behavior of the man whom he was trying to help. It was essential that he enforce boundaries so that he himself did not become homeless.
Boundaries – around our use of money, time and personal space – are an essential way of managing and focusing the help we give.
They help us avoid unhelpful naivety and cynicism. Rather than limiting grace, they actually help sustain and maintain a graceful attitude.
And, most important, boundaries help the people we are aiming to help. They model an appropriate form of respect and mutual relationship, which can build trust, confidence and dignity.
This is far more helpful and humanizing to those in need than allowing yourself to be used as a doormat.
There is a fundamental humility in maintaining boundaries. We cannot save or change others alone, but we can be there for them and seek to offer help that really helps.
This sentiment is summed up in a prayer made famous by Oscar Romero:
“We cannot do everything, and there is a sense of liberation in realizing that. This enables us to do something, and to do it very well. It may be incomplete, but it is a beginning, a step along the way, an opportunity for the Lord’s grace to enter and do the rest. We may never see the end results, but that is the difference between the master builder and the worker. We are workers, not master builders, ministers, not messiahs. We are prophets of a future not our own.”
Jon Kuhrt is chief executive of West London Mission and a member of Streatham Baptist Church in South London.