In my formative college years, out from under the roof of the loving and protective home in which I grew up, I began to understand that the world was not as clear-cut as right or wrong, black or white. Between the extremes lay a gray area where my understanding of and relationship with God grew the most.
I was still in a loving and protective environment. The Baylor University campus—in most areas—was even more protective than the Southern Baptist home I grew up in. In other spaces, I was given permission to ask questions of my faith.
These experiences led to a stronger relationship with God, a deeper connection with my faith community, and a better understanding of the words of Jesus.
In the midst of these questions and growth, one of my professors in Baylor’s Religion Department, who was also a minister in my church, instructed me to “hold tightly to God and loosely to your ideas of God.” It has been over 20 years since she shared that simple and profound wisdom with me, but it has guided me as a Christian ever since.
Fifteen years after that moment, the same words guided me through an ongoing journey as my faith community walked through the gray space of whether to become an affirming congregation.
We understood “affirming” to mean taking a supportive stance on same-sex relationships, believing they are not sinful. “Non-affirming” was taken to mean following a traditional view, seeing same-sex relationships as sinful and limiting leadership possibilities in the community for queer people.
With a few individuals in our midst who identified as LGBTQ+ and members who spanned the spectrum of affirming and traditional, we sought to create a space where we could all come together in our tight-knit community and follow Jesus’ command to love God and love others. It was a tall order, but there was a way.
The Third Way was introduced to our congregation as a possible option.
Churches and faith communities that follow the Third Way do not ask, “Are we going to be affirming or non-affirming?” That question inevitably leads to a rupture, requiring individuals and the congregation to choose sides.
The Third Way shifts the question to, “Is this a disputable or an indisputable matter?”
If a congregation or faith community can agree that LGBTQ+ affirmation is a disputable matter, then the community doesn’t need to split over where individuals land on the affirming-traditional spectrum. The Third Way is the way of inclusion because it includes both the traditional and affirming stances, treating the conversation as a disputable matter.
I would argue that this kind of outcome creates the richest opportunity for growth and love for brothers and sisters in Jesus.
There are a multitude of examples for biblical support of the idea of disputable and indisputable matters. One of the most notable is in Paul’s letter to the Romans in the discussion over those who ate meat and those who didn’t.
This may seem less critical a matter for us today, but to the Jewish people, eating meat was very serious, as there was concern that it could have been food sacrificed to idols. Paul encourages the Roman believers not to break fellowship over the matter, to accept each other as Christ accepted them, and not to judge each other.
Time and again, Paul calls on the early Christians to set aside their differences and leave judgment to God. Other examples of disputable matters for the early Christians are observing the Sabbath, drinking wine, and circumcision, to name a few.
To the credit of our congregation, and even more to the LGBTQ+ individuals in our midst who showed divine patience, we spent years in discernment through this process, leaving space for conversations, study, and the Spirit to move. This was key to growing our love for and trust in each other, as well as our ultimate belief in the Spirit to guide our path forward.
The Third Way ruthlessly asks us to elevate our love for our brothers and sisters above our personal convictions and interpretations of Scripture. The words of my professor, “hold tightly to God and loosely to your ideas of God,” are a guiding path. The Third Way ensures that no one is excluded or alienated from the conversation and the outcome, allowing the congregation, if willing, to accept everyone in love.
I have a dear queer friend in our faith community who was willing to listen and converse with me while our congregation was going through this process. We took walks together, sharing our thoughts, asking questions, and, most importantly, listening to each other. I felt heard and loved by them.
They have also expressed how meaningful it was to remain in a caring relationship throughout this process, prioritizing love over our disputable differences and cherishing the value we bring to each other. One of my greatest joys was celebrating my friend’s marriage to their spouse with our congregation and other friends and family.
Over a long period, I experienced a shift in my convictions. But in the end, that didn’t matter. What mattered is that we loved and cared about each other and left any judgment where it belongs—in the hands of God.
- About the Author
- Latest Posts
Kessa is the Director of Communications for a local non-profit seeking to raise awareness, compassion and action for marginalized individuals. She is a wife, mother of three, a Waco enthusiast, seminary graduate, and a life-long learner.
