It happened so quickly and without amplification that I didn’t catch what was said. All I knew was that the look on President Obama’s face told me whatever was shouted at him from the Republican side of the aisle was not an affirmation.
President Obama’s speech to a joint session of Congress on September 9, 2009, hadn’t even ended before the internet buzzed with the derogatory assault from Senator Joe Wilson (R) South Carolina: “You lie!” I couldn’t believe an elected official would shout anything at the President of the United States, much less such an accusatory slam.
I am in favor of freedom of speech and voicing opinions. However, as a person born at the tail-end of the Baby Boom, I was taught to be respectful and polite and look for the right opportunity to express my opinions.
And when it came to disagreements, there were unspoken and agreed-upon rules of verbal sparring among “decent folk.” This unprovoked outburst rattled everyone who subscribed to a similar code.
This felt like the moment the lock on Pandora’s box of public respect and politeness broke open and spilled out all the pent-up ugliness it contained. Soon after, I began to notice more displays of public verbal aggression.
My Southern roots compel me to use the word “ugly” to describe foul language, an angry tone or an attitude of disrespect to another. As a young girl, for example, if I were to say, “That boy is a jerk,” Mama would quickly reply, “Rebecca Ann, don’t be ugly.”
I learned that “ugly” language was not only impolite but also a sign of disregard for the person to whom it was directed. I was taught that once you begin disregarding the well-being of “the other,” you are on a slippery slope to selfishness and narrow-mindedness.
It didn’t take long for the “ugly” disagreements to find a comfortable home in all facets of life, beyond the political arena— classrooms, courtrooms, church business meetings, football stands and parking lots. This pandemic of impoliteness and disrespect even found a foothold in a chapel class when a university student shouted at a guest speaker, in front of 2,000 classmates, that the speaker was lying.
Really?
Sadly, it wasn’t just creatures of verbal aggression that crawled out of Pandora’s Box. Other violent monsters climbed over its sides.
While many of us watched the January 6th insurrection unfold, it was impossible to tell the verbal aggressors from the physically violent and traitorous schemers. There was no differentiation between levels of “ugliness.” It was all just plain ugly.
How do we close the box once it has been opened?
Education? I do not know many secondary schools still teaching civics and government.
That’s where I learned about citizenship, public debate, and freedom of speech. In Sunday School and church training, I learned about the Golden Rule and loving my neighbor. In team sports, I learned about sportsmanship— how to be a good winner and loser.
I learned from my parents how to share with my siblings. There may not be anything more difficult than sharing with three older brothers.
Perhaps Senator Wilson’s shout of “you lie” picked the lock of Pandora’s Box of disrespect and impoliteness. If so, it would make sense that one example of politeness, common courtesy and respect could begin to close the box. Mathematically, that might make sense, but human nature has shown us that it takes a herculean effort to close the box (insert any Disney princess or doomsday movie image here).
Great men and women throughout history have taken a peaceful stance toward justice, fairness and disagreement. It took decades to close the box or at the very least, coax many monsters back inside.
Some boxes, sadly, were never completely sealed.
Who will be our modern-day leader of peace? What will it take for that kind of display to go viral and change societal norms?
Are we setting the example behind church doors? Or have we fallen into the “ugly talk” camp?
From where I sit, I see too many believers who are more concerned with having the last word and “winning” than with being a peaceful presence in the world. Sometimes, I feel like I’m looking in a mirror.
I wonder what would’ve happened if Senator Wilson, instead of shouting, “You lie,” would have shouted, “I disagree. Tell me more.” What would happen in our churches, synagogues, temples, schools and public squares if we took that same posture?
How do we break this unrelenting desire to win at all costs? How do we regain respect, decency and kindness?
Please, tell me more.
Assistant Dean for Spiritual Life & Missions, Baylor University.
