Thank you, brother Al Mohler! I’m not sure what we would do if not for your vigilant eye constantly seeking to root out heterodoxy, thus keeping the faith pure, as white as the driven snow.
Bless you for spearheading the “Truth and Unity Amendment” to the constitution of the Southern Baptist Convention, which explicitly states that participating churches cannot affirm, appoint or endorse any pastor or elder who does not have a penis.
As we all know, in a clear binary universe, God is male. And to be male unequivocally means having a penis. And even though God need not urinate or copulate, HE nevertheless has a penis.
Women, castrated by God HIMSELF, as the sexus infirmitas—the weaker sex—cannot, therefore, be fully empowered to preach the Good News of the Gospel of Christ’s resurrection. Only those with penises are gifted with the fullness of the Holy Spirit.
Woe unto Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and other women who had the audacity to preach to the apostles the resurrection (Luke 24:10). Surely the wrath of the penis-wielding God is upon them for their insolence. Yes, God can speak through Balaam’s jackass (Numbers 22:21-39), but certainly not a woman.
Even today, while many jackasses are called to preach, women cannot be ordained.
The penis is such a sacred object that it is the only way to enter into a covenant with God. The sign of the covenant must begin with the penis, specifically cutting off its foreskin through the ritual of circumcision (Genesis 17:10-14). Women, lacking penises, obviously cannot enter such covenants.
Because men are closer to the image of God due to them sharing a penis, then the penis is a sacred object. No wonder women are envious.
After all, there is tremendous privilege in having a penis. So much so that it must be protected at all costs from the threat of covetous women. This is why, if during a brawl, a woman “puts out her hand and lay hold of [a man’s] genitals, then you shall cut off her hand and your eyes shall not pity her” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12).
The spiritual value on the penis is so great that patriarchs of the faith—Abraham and Israel—swore oaths upon their genitals (Genesis 24:2-3; 47:29-31). And when God tried to slay Moses, his quick-thinking wife saved her husband’s life by cutting off the foreskin of her son’s penis and rubbing it on Moses’ penis to appease God (Exodus 4:24-26).
The penis is so valuable that King David won his wife Michal through a gift consisting of the foreskins of a hundred Philistine penises (Second Samuel 3:14). (I’m not sure how that was listed on the bridal registry.)
Because God has a penis, women are therefore subjugated to all who also have penises. Yes, feminist theologian Mary Daly was right when she wrote, “If God is male, then the male is God.” Although I’m sure she was being sarcastic (I never quite understood sarcasm as a literary genre—surely a sign of an inferior mind) the fact remains that men as gods mean that women, lacking a penis, fall short of divinity.
St. Paul makes it clear: “For man . . . is the image and glory of God. But the woman is the glory of man. For man did not come from woman, but woman from man. And man was not created for woman, but woman for man” (First Corinthians 11:7-9).
Because those who have a penis are closer to the God with a penis, they are infused with the Spirit and capable of being rational subjects ordained to rule. Women, on the other hand, are closer to the flesh, and thus emotional objects ordained to be ruled.
Subjecting the woman to the man becomes the natural manifestation of subjecting passion to reason. “As the church is subject to Christ, so also are wives to be subject to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:24).
Their dignity and worth as women created in the image of man, not God, is subordinated to the needs and desires of men. A woman’s main reason to exist is to produce her husband’s heirs, ideally male heirs.
After all, it is only through childbearing that a woman finds her salvation. As St. Paul reminds us: “It was not Adam who was led astray but the woman who was led astray and fell into sin. Nevertheless, she will be saved by childbearing” (First Timothy 2:14-15).
So, thank you, brother Al, for keeping the faith premodern and androcentric. Ignore those women who call you a chauvinist, a sexist, a misogynist. They are just envious because they lack what you, me, and God have—a penis.
Your amendment passed because of the will of the male God. No doubt when it comes up again next year for a second vote, let us pray that all who are created in God’s image vote as their penises lead them.
Till then, let us all grab our penises and like Abraham and Israel of old, swear that this too comes to pass.
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Professor of Social Ethics and Latinx Studies at Iliff School of Theology in Denver, Colorado, and a contributing correspondent at Good Faith Media.