As we approach the end of another Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I sincerely hope pastors, ministers, clergy members, chaplains, and other faith leaders—both paid and lay—have engaged with some form of abuse-awareness content. I also hope this is not just a once-a-year attention to the issue.
The statistics on domestic violence in religious homes are similar to those in the general population. Within churches and religious institutions, however, the response should be more proactive, more helpful, and more compassionate. Unfortunately, that is often not the case.
In my recent study of 181 domestic violence survivors, all of whom were connected to a faith community and had experienced at least one form of abuse, 81% said their religious establishment denied or minimized the abuse. That is a discouraging statistic.
In that same group, clergy believed the victims’ allegations in only 55% of cases. Just 40% of survivors were supported with resources, and only 35% were told that reporting the abuse was the right thing to do. This must change.
When someone who has experienced domestic violence bravely comes forward, we must believe them. We must validate their experiences, ask how we can help, and ensure their safety. Doing so could save lives.
We must first acknowledge that abuse is more than black eyes, bruises, and broken bones.
In that same sample of 181 survivors, 99% had experienced emotional abuse such as manipulation, intimidation, or isolation. Ninety-seven percent reported verbal abuse, including threats, insults, yelling, and blame. Ninety-two percent reported neglect. Seventy-four percent experienced physical abuse, and 83% reported financial abuse, such as restricted access to money, harassment at work, or coerced debt.
All forms of harm must be recognized.
Being in a religious home can actually make it harder to escape abuse. Ideals and doctrines can limit a person’s options, especially where there is strong teaching against divorce or a belief that one must stay and “make it work.”
However, even decades of prayer, fasting, and submission will not end abuse. According to the many survivors I have interviewed, such efforts often make things worse. As the victim becomes more submissive, the perpetrator often escalates to even more heinous acts of abuse.
Clergy and congregations must respond with courage—taking time to engage in moral action, protecting and caring for those who depend on the faith community for spiritual support. To do otherwise is a form of betrayal. Institutional betrayal occurs when there is a failure to prevent wrongdoing or a lack of a supportive environment when wrongdoing occurs.
Victims and survivors of abuse want their pastors to care about this issue. Here are some of their suggestions for how to help:
- Become educated about abuse and trauma
- Talk about abuse from the pulpit
- Know your limits and refer when a case is beyond your expertise
- Learn about local resources in the community
- Listen, believe, and validate
- Don’t blame or judge
- Understand the harm of couples counseling
- Respond with tangible assistance
Follow up repeatedly—healing takes time
Ministers need to know that couples counseling is harmful in an abuse situation because of the inherent power imbalance. The person being harmed will seldom feel safe speaking honestly about the abuse with the abuser in the room and their risk of harm can be heightened. Imagine what could happen once they’re back in the car or at home behind closed doors.
Another way churches can help is by placing women who are trained in domestic violence awareness in visible leadership roles. That doesn’t necessarily mean placing women in the pulpit—though that’s valuable too.
Ensure there are women in positions where victims can reach out for help. Not all victims feel comfortable speaking to male leadership, particularly when sexual assault is involved.
A proper and faithful response to domestic violence is crucial for victims and survivors. Betrayal by a faith community leads to numerous negative mental and physical health outcomes.
A poor response also shapes how children view the church as a place to turn in times of need. When survivors and their children are neglected by the church, it colors their relationship with religious people and institutions for years to come.
Where should you go if you need additional learning on this topic? See if your local community has a domestic violence shelter.
The Hotline provides vital information and statistics. Love is Respect is a great place to go for information on dating violence. This is important because limiting domestic abuse must start before marriage. For various topics related to domestic violence, Hope Rise Thrive is also an excellent resource.
If you want to get your hands on a book that goes into more detail on this topic, Taking it Seriously is a book I wrote specifically for faith leaders. Whatever path you choose, please continue to educate yourself about domestic violence, not just in October but throughout the year.
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Rev. Dr. Geneece Goertzen is a researcher, author, and speaker. She has a keen interest in the intersection of faith and practice, particularly on the topic of domestic abuse.