A Letter to My 5-Year-Old Self

 

Dear Becky,

Today, at age five, a significant thing will happen. It’s a hot summer day, and while playing in your aunt and uncle’s backyard, which you love to do, something will shift.

You’ll be there with your brothers and cousins running around while your mama and daddy, aunts and uncles are sitting around talking and drinking beer. One of the adults will say something to your mama that you will kind of pick up on but want to ignore.

Soon, Mama will call you over and tell you to put on your shirt. And you will ask a question that you will ask thousands of times in your life: But why?

Your young brain can’t comprehend why you must wear a shirt when your brothers and male cousins are running around in just their shorts. You love to do the same. You feel so free, so happy, so equal to your brothers. You feel part of “the club.”

In that moment, you will feel shame, much like Adam and Eve after taking a bite of that forbidden fruit. You’re sad and angry. And all you know to do is cry. This will be your response for most of your life when you feel angry and “less than” because the world has certain norms that you do not agree with.

This will be your first lesson of inequality. And just like in this moment, you will never understand why there is inequality.

You will grow up in a male-dominated Christian denomination. You will feel God calling you into ministry in that same denomination. You will fight for your right to stand in a pulpit and for other women to do the same. But you will be passed over.

It will become blatantly obvious you are fighting a never-ending battle when you call a representative of the Baptist General Convention of Texas to inquire about ministry jobs in Texas and are told, “You have three strikes against you. You’re a woman, you’re not a Texan, and you’re a woman.”

You will work for nearly three decades in an institution of Christian higher education. You will be proud to work there, but you will struggle just like your five-year-old shirtless self when others try to make you conform and “put on your shirt” because that’s what girls do. You will learn lessons the hard way and must figure out how to play the game to advance in your career.

Most people don’t want girls who think they can do what boys can do and certainly not those who think they can do it better. Remember, you live in the South, and you must stay in your place for the sake of the system, an equilibrium that was founded way before your time.

But you will learn and you will advance and you will finally become comfortable in your own skin. You will figure out how to fight for equality in a way that some, but not all, can accept.

You will come to a place where you will feel like the person God created you to be. You will find ways to fight for others who feel “less than.” You will go through your own transformation from being afraid of who you are to being proud of the person God created you to be.

When you come to the end of that career, you will feel freedom. You may not feel equal, but you will feel free because you will have done the hard spiritual work to overcome your small self, 5-year-old Becky, who is forced to wear a shirt for the sake of others.

You will discover the God within you, your true self. You will tap into that true self, and God will use that to bless others.

So, your tears are flowing today, but one day you will feel accomplished and grateful and whole. Stay true to who you are.

One day, you will be able to fly that flag. And maybe it will be your shirt.

Becky