America, I’m Exhausted

Recently, I have watched progress go back fifty years, whether from a countercultural reaction to feminism or record-breaking inflation. It is hard to keep going and have any sort of hope beyond myself. 

I am no longer surprised. It used to hurt when people chose themselves over the greater good. Now, I know God has left the building. 

In all four gospels, Christ entered the temple and had an intense reaction to seeing the Temple used as a den of robbers. He saw something he loved and the eternal place of God disrespected. 

That sense of disgust caused an otherwise calm character to act out. Even the Messiah had his breaking point.  

Likewise, in Mark 11 and Matthew 21, Jesus cursed a fig tree. In a seemingly random moment, he expressed his frustration with the actions in the Temple. Something that had the capacity to bear fruit had been cast aside.

I wonder if Jesus would walk away and never return if he saw his people today.

People did not listen before. Now, they will be getting worse, claiming rights to things they have no justifiable reason to. 

I have felt this energy among those around me over the past few years since COVID-19: this sense of weightedness and quiet quitting. 

People are walking away from the unthinkable, seriously desiring a more simple life. To me, this feeling is exhaustion. 

There’s something essential to this dynamic: I’m exhausted, not disappointed. I’m tired, not frustrated or mad. I have no bad blood or animosity toward anyone. 

I have tried to show people another way, using the instincts that were given to me, which they also possess to some degree.

But now, I know it’s over. I am done, and there’s nothing I can do to make others see. Or if they do, I can never naturally create someone else’s sense of self-motivation.

 These statements are fundamentally changing my life. While it feels like the world is burning around me, I have no reaction to it. 

I am so sick of fighting for something that I never broke to begin with. I can’t fix someone else’s instincts or desire for a better future. I can’t ever fix someone’s inability to step outside their comfort zone. 

I cannot make you learn, work, or think. That is the responsibility of the individual and community alone.

All of the -isms and rat races have never been my jam. I never minded hard work or connecting with others, but others did not hold up their end of the deal. 

I have nothing more to give with no more resources or energy. 

I felt betrayed by the country I am a part of, and the feeling hardly even registered. I was let down again and again. 

America chose a different path away from growth and protection. They chose their own comfort and fears over their love for neighbors.

Now, I face the reality of keeping a closer eye on men, who have been unconsciously told they have a claim on my body, that they have a say over an organ reproduction system they don’t even understand.

I have to watch fellow sisters become even more afraid and pushed away from their own growth and development. I have to watch them hide away the best parts of themselves.

Anyone who is not a white, upper-class male has been communicated the message: “We don’t care. We don’t value the lives of other Americans.”

Furthermore, the hope that we were going somewhere is gone. After trauma caused by a pandemic, it presented a historical chance to change in some type of forward direction. Now, I know the true colors of those around me.

Honestly, I do not know what to do. All of science, psychology, and theology do nothing if others will not participate in the “loving and welcoming nation” they claim to exist in. 

How far do we have to go before everyone realizes we are all frustrated, at our breaking points, and tired? 

We all need help. We all want a better future and culture.